It is so easy to come up with reasons to shut yourself off from opportunities or feel like you don’t belong somewhere as a divorced single. The truth is that, regardless of marital status, we’ve all felt insecure and like we don’t belong because of whatever dumb thing we’ve decided is enough of a reason to make us an outcast.
I recently heard about an experiment where people were told they had horrible scars and things on their faces and then had to interact with people in a normal environment. They had countless experiences where they believed people were treating them worse than they normally would because of their appearance. At the end of the day, they discovered the makeup artist had done normal makeup and all the negativity they perceived was in their head.
It’s a good reminder that we make up a lot of the ways people shut us out & instead we’re projecting our own insecurities onto them.
I know it’s uncomfortable to put yourself out there and decide you want to be part of (and even who you are) after divorce. But something I’ve learned is that you won’t have confidence until you start getting out of your comfort zone. You gain confidence when you prove to yourself you can do something new, something hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s easy to feel like you’re an outcast after divorce. You were hurt by the person who was supposed to love you the most. So, how can you really let anyone new in now? And how can you relate to groups of people who haven’t been through something similar?
The fact of the matter is, there is room for you anywhere you decide there is! No one else is on the exact same life path as you. You should seek to be part of any community that wants similar things as you. Every one of us needs a community and support system.
One place I’ve noticed singles feel especially excluded is at church. A lot of us don’t like attending singles wards or we attend a family ward because we have children. The amount of single adults who still want to be included but don’t feel like they have a place seems to be getting higher and higher.
A quick Google search showed the LDS population’s divorce rate is somewhere between 25-30%, and over 50% of LDS adults are single (between being divorced and never married). So, maybe we’re not that much of a minority after all, but it can sure feel that way. It’s just as important for us to feel included at church as it is for anyone else.
Here’s the Beautiful Thing
You’re the one who gets to decide where you want to fit in and how to make it happen. If you let things like fear or judgment (or the fear OF judgment) keep you from doing what you want or being present where you want to be present, you won’t make the progress you’re destined for.
And life is so much bigger than what’s going on at the present moment.
It’s easy to look at the way things are right this minute and use that as an excuse for not moving forward. But all that type of thinking does is keep you stuck.
You are an eternal being who is having a life experience. Not the other way around. Remember that when you start to get in your head about the reasons you “can’t” have what you want.
Forward Thinking
Another part of figuring out where you belong ties back to deciding what you want your future to look like. Keep in mind where you’re headed. If your actions aren’t aligned with your goals, you have a pretty slim chance of reaching them. Either your current actions or your goals need to be adjusted if they’re not aligned.
We often create goals based on what we think we should want. When we’re young, we use our parents as a reference point for everything. Then we add in our friends and role models into the mix. And along the way, we forget to really figure out what WE want. It sounds dumb, but I’ve been paying attention to this lately and there are A LOT of adults who don’t even know where to begin with life goals. That blew my mind!
I’m not saying you need to have certain goals in life. You can want anything in the world. Haha What I am saying is that your current actions are a far better indicator of where you’re headed than the goals you verbalize and “manifest” but don’t work toward. You can say that you want something all day long, but if your thoughts and actions aren’t aligned with that goal, you probably came up with it because you thought it’s what you were supposed to want.
Okay, I want to leave you with a challenge. Think about the following questions and then write down anything that comes to mind. And you’re going to want to dig deeper than the first thoughts that pop into your head.
- What do you want your future to look like?
- Why are these things important to you?
Now take an honest look at the path you’re on. Are your choices and goals aligned? If not, what is the best thing you can do to course correct or adjust your goals?
If you really want to dig deep, spend some time thinking about where your goals are rooted. Where did the desire to reach them come from? Are they things you wanted in the past or are they still the types of things you’d like to see in your future?
Always remember you’re doing an amazing job. I know life can feel isolating after divorce, but it’s far worse when you focus on how alone you are instead of figuring out what to do about it. Like we learned from the experiment above, you can start by paying attention to where you’re projecting negative interactions into your life. And put yourself in a new environment with people you want to get to know. Nothing changes until something changes.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this post, especially if you or someone close to you has been through a divorce. Comment below or use my contact page to let me know your experience or what you’ve seen.