It’s scary to open yourself up to the chance of getting hurt again after divorce. It feels easier to tell yourself you’ll only settle for perfection and avoid anything that just might challenge you at all than to really try. 

Your main concern is to not get hurt again or end up in a situation that’s similar to what you already left. You can’t quite put your finger on what you do want. And don’t know if you’d even recognize it if you did find it. 

So, you close off.

Okay, let’s backtrack juuuust a little bit. You absolutely need time to reconnect to yourself after divorce. You need to take a breather and learn how you can move differently toward a new relationship to avoid getting right back into the same patterns that weren’t working before. 

It’s okay (and I believe, always worth it) to take time for yourself before jumping back into the dating pool.

There’s an essential foundation you can provide yourself with to create better habits and learn to trust yourself again. Since you went through a divorce, I think it’s fair to say there are things you’re looking for that have been missing from past relationships.

Recognizing Your Role (without judgment)

And as much as it hurts, you need to understand your role in past relationships too. Whether it’s actual behaviors that can be modified or something like putting too much faith in people who didn’t deserve it & ignored your boundaries just so you could kind of, sort of feel loved—you can heal from these things. 

We’re looking for understanding here, not EVER blame or guilt. 

The bottom line is that you are worthy of love. Not worthy of being tolerated or occasionally being told someone loves you without matching actions. But being freaking adored for exactly the person you already are. 

Tweaking actions or beliefs helps you uncover the root of who you are. We’re never looking to change your foundation. Only to build upon the incredible one you already have that might be buried.

You Can’t Stay Closed Off Forever

For a while, maybe staying single really will feel like your best option. Maybe it feels safer. And that’s okay! It gives you an absolute guarantee that no one will break your heart again. 

Do you know what else it guarantees? It also guarantees that you will miss out on everything a healthy relationship will bring you. It doesn’t allow you to grow the way you’re capable of growing with another person by your side.

As humans, we were created to have companionship. It might feel easier to stay alone right now, but I promise you it’s really not. It won’t always feel like your best option.

Isolating yourself prevents your true expansion. I know it can feel really hard to put yourself back out there again and trust yourself, but YOU CAN! You just need the right tools and for someone to show you what’s available to you.

What Can You Shift Right Now?

It took me 5 YEARS to get into a relationship after my second divorce. While I was fine-tuning my expectations and shedding the false beliefs I held about the type of man I’d inevitably end up with (based on what my history had told me), I dated a ton. As I learned about myself & the things I wanted to work on to attract a great relationship, the quality of men I dated rose drastically.

I started expecting higher quality connections. I stopped things like accepting the bare minimum, feeling unworthy of love, and running away from anything that felt healthy. I learned that I didn’t need to fear things just because they were different from what I was used to.

Instead, I looked for alignment on major things like where we were both headed, attraction, values, and being able to work towards both our individual and shared goals.

And I searched for peace.

I jumped into past relationships partly because I got excited when someone showed interest in me. I ignored how I felt about things that mattered to me, and told myself I was just an anxious person. 

I usually trusted that someone else knew what was best for me… even better than I did. 

I used to ask friends and family for confirmation about every little thing but also ignored their caution when I didn’t want to hear it (whoopsie). 

I didn’t know how to trust myself because my pattern had become: 
– Ignore how I felt & any red flags I noticed
– Let the other person dictate everything for me
– Feel undervalued because I wasn’t with someone who really saw me for who I was (in part because I didn’t let them see the real me for fear of another rejection)

Become the Type of Person You Want to Have a Relationship With

It turns out that healthy masculine men don’t want to date a doormat. Or a woman who’s stuck in her own masculine energy.

This can be a hard pattern to get out of, but it’s so important if you want to create a lasting, healthy dynamic. I have a blog that all about how to get into your feminine energy HERE.

I have spent A LOT of time and energy discovering who I am and what I want. Once I got to a place where I felt comfortable with myself, it almost felt too easy to attract a healthy partner.

Spoiler alert: I got engaged this summer! I knew something was different about my fiance from the very beginning.

He has always brought me peace and comfort, which are both far cries from what I felt in previous relationships (and they’re the feelings I had been consciously calling in). He lets me know how he feels about me and reminds me how important I am to him. In the beginning, he always had our next date planned before we ended the current one. He kept our relationship moving forward. He ensures we have open communication. And he’s simply amazing with my kids. 

These were all things I used to feel like I’d have to settle on. Since I had settled on them before, I thought that was the norm. 

Once I started becoming the person who didn’t settle for things that really mattered to me, I attracted someone who embodied all of the characteristics I was looking for. 

I became the type of person I wanted to be with. I wanted a man who:

• Felt peaceful, so I created peace within myself
• Loved me for who I was, so I learned to love myself
• Was intentional about what he wanted, so I intentionally moved toward what I wanted

The key to all of this is to truly enjoy the life you’re living right now–in this moment. Realize you’re not really in an in-between season. You’re just living a chapter that’s different from what you envisioned. 

The more you focus on becoming who you want to be in your dream relationship right now, the faster you can attract a great relationship. And bonus: You’ll have less of an adjustment once you get there. 

So, to wrap this all up, I want you to start with a lot of love and understanding for yourself. You don’t have to perfectly move through these things to get where you want to go, but I know you’re capable of moving through them. 

You are absolutely worthy of a high-quality relationship. Your past doesn’t get to be an indicator of the type of relationship you can create in the future, unless you decide it is. 

And lastly, you can’t build a solid relationship with anyone else until you’ve created peace and love within yourself. 

Reach out and let me know which of these things feels too far out of reach right now. I would love to help you with any blind spots and show you exactly why you can have the relationship you’ve always wanted, even if that hasn’t been the case so far.

Cheers to your journey of creating a healthy relationship after divorce.

Love,

Sydney (In Bloom Coach)